Local Revision: Wordiness

One of the biggest mistakes that one can make while making a QRG is to have giant blocks of text in it. These blocks of text make the document difficult to read and they make the article dense and unattractive. In this post, I will take the longest, wordiest post from my rough draft of my QRG and I will do my best attempt to cut its weight, World's Biggest Loser-style.

Before

The thing that makes the church’s more conservative argument strong is that many people do believe in God and his plans for every human. Because religion is such a huge part of life for many Americans, the church can appeal to their opinion, where sometimes science and proponents of other issues cannot. The church’s argument lacks in solid reasoning, however, at least for Americans who are non-religious, or are of another religious descent, the church’s argument can not appeal to them in the way that it would appeal to a religious person.

Kratovchil, Peter. "A Woman Showing Off Loose Jeans" via Free Stock Photos. Public Domain license.

After

What makes the church's argument a relevant one, is that religion is a huge part of life for many Americans. It is easier for the church to appeal to those people, than for a group of scientists to appeal to them. For some people, however, perhaps those that are unreligious, the church's argument doesn't appeal to them at all, as it may lack the logical argument they seek. 

Results

The new paragraph is better because it's shorter, it's more to the point, and it is much less wordy. I don't think that the paragraph is any worse off, I just think that it's a little bit different now. The meaning hasn't changed, however I feel like there is less of my own voice in the paragraph itself. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but if I were to cut off every paragraph as I did with this one, my QRG would seem to have no voice.